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Today, I wanted to touch on a purely hypothetical question that was pitched to America’s finest college football journalist.
That journalist (Spencer Hall, or @edsbs, as he’s known on social media) was asked which stadiums he’d pick if FIFA was to play a future World Cup across college football venues.
Hall, whose Channel 6 is definitely worth the $10 a month that’s charged, gave a very thorough breakdown of which stadiums he’d pick, starting with the real Death Valley and ending with Army’s Michie Stadium.
This prompt got me thinking about which venues I’d select under such a hypothetical future, with stadiums selected based on their LOL, LMAO, etc. potential.
Arizona Stadium: Can you imagine how hilarious it’d be to see Kylian Mbappé or Aitana Bonmatí play at noon on a Tuesday in the cement mixing bowl that is Tucson’s Arizona Stadium? Now, picture a future where the world’s best footballers are introduced to Sonoran hot dogs, saguaro cactuses and the pine tree embraces of Mount Lemmon. My friends, this is a future Millennials actually want, which is why it’s of the utmost importance that Gianni Infantino puts World Cup matches in the Rome of Southern Arizona, post haste.
Washington-Grizzly Stadium: The home of the Montana Grizzlies has hosted Pearl Jam three times, in addition to rock legends like the Rolling Stones, Paul McCartney and … Guns N’ Roses? All told, the 40-year-old venue is the crown jewel of the FCS circuit, which would introduce Europeans to a city that the Grateful Dead called their home away from home back in the day. What better outcome could Infantino’s team expect than introducing newfound taxidermy fiend Erling Haaland to “Row Jimmy” or “Scarlet Begonias,” and watching him turn into a Scandinavian Bill Walton in record time.
Death Valley (LSU Edition): Like Hall, I’d like to see the English football hooligans that swarmed America like a hoard of drunken cicadas discover crocodile gumbo, if only for the content potential. America’s finest outpost of stewed meats and earthquake-inducing noise would rattle the bones of everyone that hasn’t played a match at Estadio Azteca. Either way, I say we throw a match or two to the Cajun Nation, just to see what blend of chaos they can cook up.
Rice-Eccles Stadium: A common theme when it comes to this list is subjecting football fans to America’s extreme elements for the sake of comedy. In Rice-Eccles’ case, it’d be interesting to see how teams fare in Salt Lake City’s 4,637 feet of elevation in the middle of the summer, where temperatures can ratchet into the triple digits. The host stadium of the 2002 (and 2034) Winter Olympics is among the loudest smaller stadiums in college football, which would make it a fantastic site for a group stage match in the future.
Folsom Field: We’ve reached the Rocky Mountain stretch of my list. Boulder is a Disneyland version of a college town, but it does contain one of the prettiest stretches of foothills in America, in the Flatirons that stretch out a stone’s throw from Folsom’s nearest end zone. It’s not hard to imagine a grizzled Harry Kane stooping in jaw-slacked wonderment at the sight of such mountainous beauty in a future World Cup, if for no other reason than that he’d be 50 or so by the time such a future would come to fruition.
Michigan Stadium (AKA ‘The Big House): If Europeans were amazed by the overstimulation experience known as Buc-ee’s, imagine how they’d feel taking in a match inside the country’s largest stadium. Michigan Stadium and its 107,601 seats would blow the minds of visitors from outside these shores, which would be high comedy on its own.
Martin Stadium: It’s not uncommon for Washington State fans to jet-set their way to football games on a fall Saturday. That’s mostly because most of the state’s population lives 290 or so miles from the home of the Cougars, who reside on the fringe of humanity known as the Palouse. While there’s no way in hell that Pullman would have the infrastructure needed to host a World Cup match, it’d still be funny as hell to see teams try to navigate the endless horizon of wheat and Cougar Gold cheese that Pullman’s known for, which warrants its spot on this list.
Lane Stadium: The home of the Virginia Tech Hokies is solely on this list as an attempt to get Metallica to play “Enter Sandman” at maximum volume live as Folarin Bolugun and the U.S. Men’s Team enters the pitch, exactly 10 minutes before they surrender three straight goals to the Swiss national team in the Round of 16.
The Walkup Skydome: Flagstaff’s finest wood-fringed indoor stadium has been home to the Northern Arizona University Lumberjacks since 1977. This one’s on here mainly so I can tell of the story where I once watched a kicker from Utah Tech (formerly Dixie State) break NAU’s fancy jumbotron on wheels during a game after he nailed it on a 40-yard field goal try. Also, NAU has one of the finest pregame traditions in college football, with the annual “Running of the Freshmen,” where the first-year crop of students runs across the field and up to the student section before the first game of the season. All told, the Skydome is one hell of a venue. 12/10. No notes. Get a match there stat, Gianni.
Navy-Marine Corps Stadium: The home of the Navy Midshipmen rests a stone’s throw from Maryland’s state capital building, having already hosted soccer matches during a Summer Olympics (doing so in 1984). Annapolis is primed, rested and ready to welcome the Tartan Army, assuming the Scots ever make the field again. Maryland’s capital city is nicknamed The Drinking Town With A Sailing Problem, which means they’re ready for the volume of binge drinking that the Scottish fans would bring to our shores for a future World Cup group stage match.