The nation’s eminent day honoring drunken debauchery is upon us, which means that millions of Americans will stagger up to the bar with a shot at watching a bunch of amateur athletes play in an expanded playoff this holiday season.
After a clanger of an opening round of the inaugural 12-team College Football Playoff, we can only hope that some ‘Power Four’ team’s ass gets hatched on national TV, with disgraced Third World despot look alike Ryan Day being the leading candidate to show his backside to the nation’s drunkards.
With all that in mind, I’ve taken the task to heart of breaking down this week’s CFP quarterfinal contests, with plucky underdogs like Boise State, Arizona State and … Oregon(?) taking the fields of Americana in the CFP.
Here’s who I have winning this week’s quarterfinal clashes, as I eagerly await watching Ashton Jeanty kick James Franklin squarely in the dome on Friday night.
Regular Season: 89-45 Straight-up/65-64 ATS
CFP: 2-1 Straight-up/1-2 ATS
All Odds Provided By ESPN BET
No. 3 Boise State (12-1) vs. No. 6 Penn State (11-2) — 4:30 p.m. Pacific time Tuesday (ESPN)
Spread: Penn State -11.5
Our Pick: Boise State wins, 21-17
The traditional Fiesta Bowl clash this year pits No. 3 Boise State against sixth seeded Penn State inside the cake dome known as ‘State Farm Stadium.’
The Broncos are led by the People’s Heisman Trophy Champion, Ashton Jeanty, who enters Tuesday’s clash against the Nittany Lions needing 132 rushing yards to pass Barry Sanders for the NCAA’s single-season rushing yardage record.
Come New Year’s Eve, I expect the Broncos to snatch what’s left of ‘Big Game’ James Franklin’s pride, with Boise State pulling off an upset win over Penn State to set the stage for a week of CFP games that we’ll (likely) never forget.
No. 4 Arizona State (11-2) vs. No. 5 Texas (12-2) — 10 a.m. Pacific time Wednesday (ESPN)
Spread: Texas -13
Our Pick: Texas wins, 31-20
Congrats to the Arizona State University Sun Devils on getting to this point in the football calendar under their Big Gerbil Energy head coach, Kenny Dillingham.
The road for the Devils likely ends in Atlanta, however, as ASU gets to try and throw a wrench into the gears of the Texas Longhorns’ football machine.
In short, I see Steve Sarkisian ripping Dillingham’s still-beating heart from his chest on national TV, with Texas advancing to the CFP semis, despite failing to cover the spread on ESPN come Wednesday afternoon.
No. 1 Oregon (13-0) vs. No. 8 Ohio State (11-2) — 2 p.m. Pacific time Wednesday (ESPN)
Spread: Ohio State -2.5
Our Pick: Oregon wins, 38-34
One could argue that the best amateur football game of the 2024 odyssey involved the Ducks and Buckeyes, with Dan Lanning pulling a page from the back pages of the football rulebook to extract a 32-31 win in Eugene.
In Wednesday’s Rose Bowl, I expect the Buckeyes to fly as close to the sun as possible before Ryan Day pulls a page from Icarus’ age-old playbook and crashes down to earth with a resounding thud.
At day’s end (pun intended), Oregon pulls off another win over their Dunkin’ Donuts-loving former head coach, with the Ducks beating the Buckeyes to set up a showdown against the Longhorns in the CFP semifinals.
No. 2 Georgia (11-2) vs. No. 7 Notre Dame (12-1) — 5:45 p.m. Pacific time Wednesday (ESPN)
Spread: Georgia -1.5
Our Pick: Georgia wins, 38-10
The final game of the CFP semifinal round pits the perennial disappointments from the tire iron of a town known as South Bend against the nation’s leading source of speeding tickets, as Notre Dame heads to New Orleans to play the Bulldogs of Georgia.
While Notre Dame was able to get off the ropes a bit by blasting Indiana, 27-17, in the CFP first round, I expect them to meet their gridiron maker when they face off against 11 pissed off dudes named Todd from a town that sounds straight out of a Faulkner novel on New Year’s Day.
That’s why I’m going with Georgia to wax Notre Dame’s ass in the CFP quarterfinals, with the Bulldogs soaring past the current 1.5-point spread in favor of the SEC goliath from the hometown of the Drive-By Truckers.