How The West Was Won: Stacking Up The Pac-12 Expats In Week 14

The season of the once-vaunted bits of Americana like John Wayne that now take up prime real estate in hell is upon us, with Thanksgiving arriving in earnest on Thursday.

While the only ‘pilgrims’ we acknowledge around these parts are the men and women that take the fields of the West’s football fields looking to forge new beginnings for themselves in the greener pastures of the NFL, either as a player or coach.

Before we get into the feast that is “Hate Week,” where rivals from America’s grudge factories like Ole Miss and Arizona State take the field to wield their metaphorical axes against in-state foes they’ve only recently learned to despise.

We’ve got lots of good, old-fashioned hate to get to below, so I’m not going to waste any more of your time on pleasantries, let’s get to the point already!

Last Week: 5-5 Straight-up/3-7 ATS

Season: 78-42 Straight-up/59-58 ATS

All Odds Provided By ESPN BET

Spread: Boise State -19

Our Pick: Boise State wins, 27-17

The Fighting Ashton Jeantys of Boise State have looked downright vulnerable of late, needing a full 60 minutes to escape Laramie against a piss-poor Wyoming team last week to move to 10-1 and keep their CFP dreams afloat.

This week, Jeanty and the Broncos face their future Pac-12 brethren on the Smurf Turf, with Oregon State needing an upset to reach .500 for the year and make a bowl game.

They were able to keep those delusions of grandeur alive a week longer than they should have, thanks to Washington State ‘Couging’ it up in Corvallis a week ago, with the Beavers pulling a victory out of their tail paddles.

This week, Boise State finds third gear at home against Oregon State, doing just enough to bury the woebegone Beavers while failing to cover the spread in spectacular fashion at home.

Spread: Colorado -16.5

Our Pick: Colorado wins, 41-28

The Fighting Insurance Salesmen of Boulder got their asses hatched by America’s pint-sized backfield warrior, as Devin Neal of Kansas beat their teeth in, running for 207 yards and three scores in KU’s 37-21 upset win at Arrowhead last Saturday.

To say that Colorado University’s loss on Saturday was an ‘upset’ underlies exactly how badly Neal and company ,,, and I quote ,,, ‘whomped that ass’ in a game that didn’t even take place in the Jayhawks’ home state.

Kansas outgained Colorado, 320-to-308, with the animated corpse of what used to be Jalon Daniels managing to throw for 189 yards and a score to keep CU’s secondary from dropping into the box against Neal’s speed and aggressiveness out of the backfield.

This week, Coach Past-His-Prime and company get a glorified bye week as One America News enthusiast and mullet aficionado Mike Gundy come to Folsom Field to cap off a miserable 3-8 season in Stillwater.

TL;DR: CU gets back on track at home, banishing the Pokes to a miserable end to what’s been a season to forget in Stillwater.

Spread: CSU -6

Our Pick: CSU wins, 24-7

The Colorado State Rams have won seven games in a single season for the first time since going 7-6 for a third straight season under head coach Mike Bobo in 2017.

The Rams have done so via a smoke-and-mirrors offense that is dubbed as an “Air Raid” attack but features about as much firepower as the Iraqi Air Force in 1991.

Still, Jay Norvell’s team enters their final regular season tilt at 7-4 after choking away a winnable game at Fresno State on Saturday.

Luckily for my alma mater, they get to play a Utah State team that fired its head coach (Blake Anderson) over the summer because of … reasons.

Come Friday afternoon, I expect CSU’s defense to strangle the Aggies for 60 minutes of ass-ugly football, with the Rams’ bassackward offense doing just enough to lead the program to an eighth win and a trip to the Snoop Dogg Arizona Bowl in America’s finest city (Tucson, Arizona).

Spread: ASU -8.5

Our Pick: ASU wins, 56-14

What else is there to say about this monumental waste of electrons and neurons that’s been the 2024 Arizona Wildcats football season?

The offense is anemic, the defense is overworked and underperforming, the vibes are in the toilet. 0/10. Would not recommend if you gave me $1 million to watch every play of Brent Brennan’s first (and possibly only) season as head coach in Tucson.

Spread: SJSU -3

Our Pick: SJSU wins, 17-14

The Bill Walsh Legacy Game is back and features one of the worst Cardinal teams in the 21st century squaring off against America’s only good football coach (Ken Niumatalolo).

Come Saturday in San José, I expect Coach Ken to smother Stanford’s stiff-as-a-tree offense, with the Spartans pulling off a thrilling victory that everyone will forget about the moment the final horn sounds.

Spread: UCLA -8

Our Pick: Fresno State wins, 31-28

It should be stated how well of a job the two head coaches in this clash of the Californias have done in pressing situations, with Fresno State interim coach Tim Skipper and first-year UCLA coach DeShaun Foster winning in the face of adversity.

Skipper has FSU in a bowl game after Saturday’s escape in the San Joaquin Valley over CSU, while Foster and UCLA won’t make a bowl game but will end the year with Iowa, Nebraska and Rutgers, which is worth something I’m sure.

Come Saturday, I’m going with the Fighting Carr Brothers of Fresno State to whip UCLA’s ass, once again giving me ample reason to share America’s greatest meme.

Spread: Notre Dame -7.5

Our Pick: Notre Dame wins, 28-27

The once-mighty Trojans of the University of Spoiled Children have snatched defeat from victory’s grasp so often this season that they might as well make that the program’s new motto.

Future Dallas Cowboys head coach Lincoln Riley is a dead man walking, whether he’s self aware enough to realize it or not, so I expect the Trojans to rack up 500 yards and then blow Saturday’s finale against the Fighting Irish in the funniest way possible.

Spread: SMU -13.5

Our Pick: SMU wins, 38-35

The three guarantees of life might as well be amended to read ‘Death, Taxes and Cal covering the spread but still losing.’

This year, Justin Wilcox’s band of future Enterprise car salesmen have lost five games by a combined margin of 17 points, illustrating how cursed the grounds that Cal Memorial Stadium occupies must be.

This week, I expect Cal to give No. 9 SMU all it can handle in the first ACC showdown between the East Bay’s trust fund baby factory and Texas’ leading source of crude oil speculators.

Washington State (8-3) vs. Wyoming (2-9) — 3:30 p.m. Pacific time Saturday (CW Network)

Spread: Washington State -17.5

Our Pick: Washington State wins, 28-7

The Cougars have shattered whatever dream of a Pac-2 team making the CFP remained by ‘Couging’ it up against New Mexico and Oregon State, losing by three points in each contest.

This week, America’s lovable battering ram of a quarterback (John Mateer) will unleash unholy hell on the Pokes on the Palouse, with Washington State earning that long-awaited ninth win of the year against Wyoming come Saturday afternoon.

Spread: Oregon -19

Our Pick: Oregon wins, 56-10

This once proud matchup of Pacific-12 members has been relegated to the Big 16’s B-grade partner, with The Border War occupying the same airwaves as the Macy’s Day Parade and such hits as ,,, does NBC have any left, TBH?

Anyhoo, I expect the mad-assed football henchman known as Daniel Lanning to hatch the Human Visor (Jedd Ari Fisch) a new backside come Saturday, as it never rains inside Autzen Stadium … except for rare occasions when it can ruin Washington’s one-year wonder of a head coach’s dreams.

Spread: Air Force -3.5

Our Pick: Air Force wins, 13-10

If you’ve read this far, thank you. Also, this is our winner of the coveted “Ass Game” of the week, as Air Force & San Diego State are abominations to the game of football.

Air Force will win in the end, but we as a country will lose because thousands of us will tune into this slop show of a football game and witness some of the worst football known to man.

Enjoy the turkey on Thursday, folks. Be safe and we’ll see you right back here next week for our conference championship game picks!