How The West Was Won: Stacking Up The Pac-12 Expats In Week 13

Welcome back to the nation’s eminent think-tank pertaining to the cottage industry that’s known as West Coast amateur football.

In the lab this week, we’re dissecting small matters like “is the world ready for nine-win ASU?” and “should USC field a football team at all?”

With a heaping helping of gridiron ass on display this weekend, with one game featuring two ranked teams (the aforementioned ASU-BYU bro fest), it’s easy to dismiss this weekend’s football festivities as a farce.

I, however, choose to make hay out of the sullen turf that is this weekend’s 10-game slate of contests happening west of Denver International Airport.

Based on how I performed last week, early returns show that such a decision may not be the brightest of moves on my part, but that’s why they play the games, I suppose.

Without further ado, let’s get down to business, shall we?

Last Week: 6-8 Straight-up/6-8 ATS

Season: 73-37 Straight-up/56-51 ATS

All Odds Provided By ESPN BET

Spread: ASU -3

Our Pick: ASU wins, 31-13

The ‘Toxic Masculinity Bowl’ of the year takes place in Tempe on Saturday afternoon, as the BYU Cougars and surging ASU Sun Devils meet in the oversized convection oven that is Sun Devil Stadium.

The Devils enter Saturday’s side quest against the Fighting Joseph Smiths on a three-game winning streak, having just de-pants an excellent Kansas State squad in Manhattan.

The Cougars, on the other side, enter the cement mixing bowl known as The Valley on the heels of a 17-13 shit show against the Kansas Jayhawks, squelching BYU’s CFP dreams (for now, at least).

Come Saturday, I expect America’s overcaffeinated Elderly Millennial (Kenny Dillingham) to finish the job, with ASU running away from BYU in Tempe on Saturday afternoon.

Spread: CU -3

Our Pick: Kansas wins, 31-27

The juice is officially flowing in Boulder, as ‘Coach Prime’ has CU where everyone imagined they’d be after pulling off three straight wins to open his tenure in Boulder.

The Buffaloes of Colorado University (this is a bit, FYI) have slayed four straight Big 12 foes, including the Utah Utes last weekend, who CU flattened, 49-24, to move to 8-2 for the year and 6-1 in conference play.

On the other side of the field, you have Lance Leipold and America’s whirling dervish of a quarterback, in Jalon Daniels, who is finally healthy enough to lift a football above his shoulder in Lawrence.

The end result is a two-game win streak for KU over Iowa State and BYU after the Jayhawks collapsed against Kansas State in Manhattan, opening up the door for the Jayhawks to win out and reach a bowl game in 2024.

Come Saturday afternoon inside Arrowhead Stadium, I foresee the surging Jayhawks adding another AP top 25 pelt to their mantle, with KU springing an upset over Prime and the Buffs’ in the oversized parking lot that is the home of the Kansas City Chiefs to move to 5-6 for the year.

Spread: Cal -14.5

Our Pick: Cal wins, 27-10

In the race to become America’s most cursed football team, few programs have the argument that Justin Wilcox’s Cal Golden Bears team does in 2024.

The Fighting Osos of Berkeley have lost five games this year by a combined total of … 17 points … further cementing my dumbassed belief that Memorial Stadium was built on a burial ground of some sort back in the day.

Come Saturday, the Oro Osos of Cal finally get that sixth win they’ve long coveted, with the Cardinal of Stanford making their way east for The Big Game.

The Cardinal are a week removed from the most incredibly stupid victory in Bay Area CFB since the 1982 Big Game between these two nerd palaces that ended in “The Play,” with Stanford winning on a 57-yard field goal over Louisville after some of the dumbest shit I’ve ever seen on a football field.

TL;DR: Stanford’s luck runs out in Berkeley, while Cal finally gets that sixth win they’ve flirted with for weeks, with the Bears beating the Cardinal by three scores in this classic matchup of ACC stalwarts.

Spread: Utah State -4

Our Pick: San Diego State wins, 14-10

This week’s “Ass Classic” pits two miserable football teams that are about to inflict themselves upon the reconstituted Pac-12 against each other.

San Diego State and Utah State are miserable football teams this year, though the former has no excuse for being this bad.

Sean Lewis’ first season on The Mesa has been a disaster, while Utah State fired their head coach (Blake Anderson) in July, which explains a lot about why the Aggies are awful this year.

Come Saturday, I see SDSU adding that coveted fourth win of the year over their fellow 3-7 gridiron delinquent, with the Aztecs pulling off a god-awful 14-10 victory over the Aggies in Logan.

Spread: TCU -11.5

Our Pick: TCU wins, 27-24

The Arizona Wildcats have already lost a game this men’s basketball season, which means that my good friends in the Old Pueblo are running out of diversions from the town’s laughably bad football team.

Year One of the Brent Brennan era in Tucson got a bit of a bounceback on Friday night when the Wildcats punched their way off the mat long enough to strangle Houston, 27-3, to extend the school’s bowl game dreams for a week.

Come Saturday afternoon, that dream dies in earnest, as Arizona heads to Fort Worth to get their asses kicked by the program’s one-time offensive coordinator (Sonny Dykes), with TCU failing to cover the gaudy, 11.5-point spread, but finishing the day with a win nonetheless.

Spread: Boise State -23

Our Pick: Boise State wins, 48-10

I’m not going to lie to you, the only reason to dig through your cable (or streaming) backlogs to find “CBS Sports Network” come Saturday evening is to see whether Boise State back Ashton Jeanty finishes with 200 rushing yards in a half against a terrible Wyoming team.

Otherwise, this one will get ugly in a hurry, with the Pokes licking their wounds on a balmy, 50-degree Saturday afternoon in Laramie.

Spread: Washington State -12.5

Our Pick: Washington State wins, 34-17

How in god’s name did Washington State lose to New Mexico last week, I ask myself because I failed to watch a single minute of last weekend’s MWC classic between the Cougars and Lobos.

Well, that’s exactly what happened in the Duke City last weekend, as the Cougs ‘Couged It’ up against UNM, blowing a 28-14 lead at the half in a 38-35 victory for the now 5-6 Lobos.

Now, Washington State’s glimmering CFP hopes are officially dashed, with the Cougars having to settle for a bowl trip to San Antonio, Shreveport or some other flyover city beginning in ‘S’ this postseason.

That road to nowhere begins in earnest on Saturday, when Wazzu plays the ‘Pac-2 Bowl’ against Oregon State in Corvallis, with OSU needing two wins to reach a bowl game at all.

Come Saturday evening, I expect Cougar faithful to take over Reser Stadium, with Washington State taking out their anger over last week’s cluster by trouncing their NCAA lifeboat mates in a one-sided victory.

Spread: Iowa State -7.5

Our Pick: Utah wins, 24-21

Utah has looked like unmitigated ass since Cam Rising threw out his geriatric shoulder against Baylor in the Utes’ opener against Baylor.

In the following 10 games, Utah’s going 3-6, with Zach Wilson’s harebrained little brother Isaac throwing the ball like a child shooting a basketball, with more interceptions (11) than touchdowns thrown (10).

Come Saturday, I expect Wilson to have the best game of his young NCAA career when the 22nd ranked Cyclones of Iowa State come to the SLC, with Utah keeping their bowl hopes alive in a narrow win inside Rice-Eccles Stadium this weekend.

Spread: USC -4.5

Our Pick: UCLA wins, 31-28

I finally got off my high horse long enough to actually pick DeShaun Foster’s UCLA squad in last week’s newsletter.

How did that go, you ask? Well, the Baby Bears pulled a BoJack reference and “Bruined Their Lives” by giving up 31 points in Seattle to The Human Visor himself, Jedd Ari Fisch, in a 31-19 road loss.

This week, I’m going with UCLA again, simply because I think it’ll be hilarious to watch how quickly USC faithful throw future Dallas Cowboys head coach Lincoln Riley under the bus if such an outcome occurs.

While USC did manage to finally snatch victory from the clutches of defeat in L.A. against equally woebegone Nebraska, I’m not about to go with Riley to finish a game properly two weeks in a row right now.

Ergo, I’m going against my better judgment and picking the Bruins to keep the Victory Bell in Westwood, with UCLA beating USC in the funniest way possible come Saturday night.

Spread: Fresno State -3

Our Pick: CSU wins, 21-17

Don’t look now (no seriously, please don’t), but Jay Norvell and the Colorado State Rams have a five-game winning streak in Fort Collins. Sure, that quintet of wins came against the Blind Masses that are Wyoming, Nevada, New Mexico, Air Force and San José State, but wins are wins, dammit.

In this week’s MWC After Dark showcase, CSU looks to improve to 11-6 all time against the Bulldogs of Fresno State, with the two programs meeting in the Heart of the San Joaquin Valley on Saturday night.

For now, I’ll go with CSU to stun the haters and upset the Bulldogs, who are currently listed as a three-point home favorite in the battle of future Pac-12 members.

Should my beloved Rams lose, I shall break out one of the greatest memes of all time, uttering the following statement with all the earnestness it deserves.