Welcome back to the unofficial home of Men’s World Cup coverage, akin to the roadside stand in your town that sells “Lionel Messy” jerseys.

Last night, millions of aspirational Americans tuned into FOX or Telemundo, hoping to see the U.S. Men’s National Team clinch a spot in the quarterfinal round of the World Cup for the first time in 24 years.

Instead, what those of us that tuned in were treated to was a 90-minute tour de farce where 11 men donning Navy blue hued kits waddled around the pitch like they were afraid to break a sweat.

For the second time this century, the Yanks’ were handed their asses on a platter by the Red Devils of Belgium.

This time, it was a back line that played like a third-tier Big 12 team competing at 11 p.m. local time on a Thursday, along with some of the most dumbfounding goalkeeping you’ve ever seen that wound up sending the Stars and Stripes home.

Promises Kept, Promises Broken

In a week that centered around off-the-pitch stupidity, it was a night full of on-pitch maladies that wound up cementing the night’s 4-1 final score.

A team that inspired the nation by racing past defense-first clubs like Paraguay and Bosnia and Herzegovina found no offensive groove whatsoever against Rudi Garcia’s squad.

Two god-awful back line efforts by guys like Tim Ream helped the Red Devils score two goals in the opening 45 minutes of game play, ensuring that a beautiful free kick goal by Malik Tillman had little impact on the match’s final score.

It was a night that left those of us that stuck around dumbfounded, both by the decision by Ream and goalie Matt Freese to try and play a ball 40 yards out of net, and by a defense that seemed apathetic towards stopping Belgium’s veteran-led attack.

In short, Monday’s malaise in Seattle left all of us feeling like America’s even-keeled manager, who did more damage to a collection of Powerade bottles than the Yanks’ managed in 90-plus minutes of action against a team that actually understands how to play well on the sport’s biggest stage.

On the plus side, at least we’ve only got 352 days to go until America’s good soccer team takes to the pitch, as the 2027 Women’s World Cup readies for kickoff from Brazil in June.

Maybe Mauricio Pochettino and company can learn a thing or two about performing under pressure from the ladies.