Picking 1st Round Winners In The 2024 CFP

After 100-plus years of letting a room full of nerds decide who gets to play for the Natty, we’re finally bringing a taste of American democracy to the sport of amateur football.

That’s right, folks, we’re going to have an actual people’s champ in the FBS this year, thanks to the expanded CFP, with four games taking place over the weekend.

Among the highlights of the first round of the first-ever, 12-team Playoff are a Hoosier State showdown between the Fighting Curt Cignettis of Indiana and America’s Mall Cop Factory in South Bend (Notre Dame).

Throw in Saturday clashes between the plucky, billionaire-backed SMU Mustangs and the cult known as Pennsylvania State University, along with the matinee of Clemson vs. Texas and the dessert dish known as Ohio State vs. Tennessee and you have the makings of a historic weekend of football delight.

For now, I’m hooting and hollering at the thought of thousands of Ohioans being subjected to “Rocky Top” on repeat as UT folks bombard their beloved TouchTunes machines with the 1968 ballad until 8 p.m. Eastern time Saturday, when the Volunteers and Buckeyes square off inside the Horseshoe.

Until then, enjoy my picks for the opening round of the inaugural, 12-team CFP, with some damn fine football on the docket this weekend.

Regular Season: 89-45 Straight-up/65-64 ATS

All Odds Provided By ESPN BET

Spread: Notre Dame -7

Our Pick: Notre Dame wins, 31-27

As a kid, I was raised in a pro-Navy & USC household, so you know that it kills everything inside what’s left of the charred core of my soul to pick the Irish here.

That said, I’m just not convinced that the Hoosiers can swing an ax and topple Notre Dame in South Bend, though I definitely think that the Fighting Homefield Apparels can cover the current seven-point spread, which feels a bit gaudy to me.

For now, I’ll go with ND to win a tight one, though I’ll certainly be burning a candle in hopes that this pick is wrong, mainly to watch the anger that comes from the burned-out Dallas Cowboys fans that also happen to be Notre Dame enthusiasts across America.

Spread: Penn State -8.5

Our Pick: Penn State wins, 34-27

Another pick that beat down what’s left of my pride right here. As someone who grew up in Maryland, I was subjected to the cult of Pennsylvania State frequently growing up, witnessing countless seemingly normal 50-something year-old dudes lose their minds when anyone asked whether Joe Paterno should hang up the whistle.

While James Franklin turns into clotted cream left out in the Arizona sunshine in games with actual significance, I’m expecting the Nittany Lions to win in spite of their bespectacled leader.

Expect SMU to lose this one on the most mind-numbing interception you’ve ever seen, allowing Penn State to avoid their fate of embarrassing themselves on national TV for another week.

Spread: Texas -12

Our Pick: Texas wins, 24-10

While I love nothing more than making jokes in the “IS UT BACK?!?” canon, I also enjoy seeing Dabo Swinney eat shit.

That’s exactly what I’m projecting to happen come Saturday afternoon, as America’s Sweetheart, Steve Sarkisian, gets the victory in the battle of teams wearing the worst shades of orange known to man.

Spread: Ohio State -7

Our Pick: Tennessee wins, 31-27

In Saturday’s nightcap in Columbus, we’ll see The Flying Hawaiian (Nico Iamaleava) leaving it all on the field against radish-faced head coach Ryan Day and the Ohio State Buckeyes.

The last time we saw The Day Man, he was defeated by the Night Man known as Michigan in humiliating fashion, leaving Urban Meyer’s former whipping boy to stand around like an absolute jackass for … some reason.

Come Saturday night, I expect Day’s face to look … eerily similar to the one above, as Iamaleava and the Volunteers wax the Buckeyes’ backsides en route to Tennessee’s first victory of meaning since the 1998 Fiesta Bowl.

[FYI: Expect a full breakdown of ASU, Boise State & Oregon’s quarterfinal CFP games in next week’s post.]